Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Why is finding a girl to love me so hard for me?

I'm going on a date this Saturday with this awesome girl with a great smile who always finds ways to warm up your day. Yet I feel very hesitant about building my hopes up about this date actually working out with the possibilities of future dates and perhaps a romantic relationship. Why should it work now when it has never worked in the past? I know, this is terrible. Here I am a 29 year old who has never had a long term relationship, who had a girlfriend once for three days, ten years ago and whose longest relationship was six months--back in the seventh grade, to a girl who I did not talk to after the first school dance because I was ashamed. She kept writing me letters in class asking me why I did not talk to her. Finally she wrote one that said, in effect, "that's it! You don't care about me, I'm breaking up with you!" I didn't mind much. I met her later on in life and found her to be quite a well-developed woman and I felt bad that I did not do much more in that relationship. But then I was a punk back in the seventh grade. Why would anyone have wanted someone like me. There actually was a girl in the eighth grade who actually came out and told me quite unequivocally that she loved me. I dismissed her. Now, I'm not gay, mind you. I think guys are ugly, plus my relationships with men over the years have not been good, from my dad to one of my bishops to peers. I love women. But something is not right. I am not allowing even them to be close to me.

So why should it somehow work this time? Well, I am a bit different now than a few months ago, before I considered killing myself. I am much more in control of my life. I can see things much better, and much clearer. And I don't bullshit around anymore. As an example, for the past five weeks I've actually been consistently working out, even though I have no desire to. My simple reason for doing it: if I'm going to suffer in this life of mine and I have nothing to do, I might as well suffer working out. It's actually worked, even though that's a very pathetic reason.

I try with all my faculty to make this date a fun one. She likes jazz--we are going to a jazz club. She doesn't dance well, so we probably won't dance much. She doesn't like seafood--she's from Kansas City of all places--so we'll eat Chinese or something. I will present myself as honestly as I can, yet avoid the depressing side of my honesty. Not likely that depression will attract women. I will talk about her more than about me. (I remember the lesson from the Disney cartoon Aladdin). And we'll see what happens.

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